Just Showing Up
I can only speak for myself, but these pandemic days are hard. Even as states, towns, and communities start to slowly reopen, this new normal is challenging, stressful, and uncertain. For the first time last weekend, we ventured out as a family. Nothing really significant, we just needed to run a few errands and dropped something off at the grandparents’ house. Even the most unimportant, seemingly mundane trips are an ordeal. Do we have our masks? Do we have cleaning spray to disinfect? Did the kids keep six feet away from their grandparents? So many questions and so much watching and worrying about a next step or wrong move.
In other posts, I have described this pandemic as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, and now I just want to get off, sit on the bench, have a cold drink, and just take a break. Of course, we cannot take a break. We have work to do, homeschooling to oversee and facilitate, and just so many other responsibilities to address. I keep telling myself that I am doing the best I can, trying to mentally give myself a break, and give myself credit for doing the work. It is hard, so hard, not to feel like you are failing, letting someone down, and missing the mark with just about everything. I was chatting with a student the other day, and we were sharing our struggles and her frustration with low motivation, less than normal levels of energy, and her disinterest in really engaging with her coursework - all highly unusual for her in "normal" times. I listened, encouraged her, and then leaned into our conversation and shared that I thought success just looks different right now. Just about everything through a COVID-19 lens looks different and we have to notice and name this for ourselves.
Our old routine, plans, and expectations just do not apply right now. When I am feeling frustrated and tired of all things pandemic, I try to remind myself that it might just be enough that I am showing up. Just showing up might be all that we can ask for right now. This might sound like a very low bar or an excuse for not meeting expectations but think about it for a minute. We are socially isolating in all sorts of challenging circumstances - kids at home, first time working remotely, managing the loneliness, the fear, the uncertainty, and lots of general discomfort. Committing to your schedule, going to a meeting, helping your kids with a lesson, sharing lunch with a spouse or family member, or doing the thing that you love to do for your own sanity could and should be enough right now. Connection, communication, conversation, collaboration, and caring for yourself and others - might be all that we can manage and that is okay. We often think about success as outcomes and level and intensity of effort. Maybe, right now, it is quality over quantity and just being present and in a moment - just showing up, should count for a lot. If you showed up for a friend, colleague, a family member, or yourself today - you had a success. Success does look different right now and just showing up counts for a lot.
Natural Connections
I went to the grocery store yesterday for the first time since the CDC recommended face masks and it was just so unnerving standing in line, waiting to go in the grocery story, to wear gloves and a mask, and follow the strict guidelines of the store. I know they are needed but I miss being in and engaging with the world, our community, and our friends and neighbors - not just having amazing conversations and being together at scheduled events but just the spontaneous meet and greets with friends and sometimes complete strangers. Helping someone who has their hands full of groceries, smiling to the neighbors when I walk the dogs, saying "hi" or "have a good day" to no one but everyone. I miss the open, lively spaces of life.
I enjoy being in the world and as I settle into Week 6 of Homeschooling - this is how I now track my days and schedule, I am finally slowing down, even just a little. I went for a run on Thursday morning and started to notice and remember how much I LOVE nature, I mean really love being outside. I knew that I loved spending time outdoors before the pandemic but I think the crisis, the social distancing, helped me to really "get it," understand this love deep in my bones. Amid the social isolation of this pandemic, I have reconnected with and a renewed awareness of my surroundings, nature, and our world.
It was a brisk Thursday morning in Massachusetts (remember, I am from Maryland) so it was cold and I put on my gloves and cap and clipped my pup to his leash and headed out. The morning air hit me in the most pleasant of ways, helping me to mentally relax, slow down, and take in the start of the day. It was an amazingly odd and wonderful weather day. In a span of an hour, I felt the warmth of the sunshine, the wetness of the rain, and the cold pelting of a few snowflakes, only in New England.
Running on our neighborhood roads, passing the marshes, smelling the salt air of the Atlantic Ocean, and feeling the cold morning breeze made me grateful for the quiet and peace of this natural isolation. I miss being in the world, in fellowship with my friends, family, and neighbors, craving human connections. This morning I found a different, heartfelt, and mindful connection within me and from the sights and sounds around me. Running along the road to the rhythm of the ocean waves, trying to use the swift breeze to help me up the seemingly never ending hills made me feel a part of something, almost on a team in sync with nature.
Similar to pre-COVID life, there is also a sort of confrontation when I run. As I headed back home, there was a moment as I turned right on to a familiar and hilly road to make my way home, on this morning, the hill just seemed to go on and on and this is where I waged a battle of sorts, facing a head wind and a bit of rain hitting my face as I made my way up that hill. Even then, in a bit of almost friendly confrontation, I felt connected, engaged, in conversation with nature as I pushed to get up that hill. Before COVID-19, I am not sure I would have recognized this intimate relationship I have with nature as I run and explore our surrounding. Outdoor exercise and running, in particular, have and continue to represent great outlets for me, a time of peace and solace but now, it is a time to pay better attention to my surroundings, to listen carefully to the other inhabitants of our town, and actively participate in this natural community. It is an opportunity to converse and engage in ways that I forgot were possible and that matter so much.
I am grateful for the quiet, peaceful moments, taking in the absence of the flurry of our lives, and the open time in our normally crazy schedules. I am thankful for getting back to what matters to me and our family and for the time to reconnect with our environment in all of its wonder. I think, in many ways, this unremarkable act of a daily run gives me a chance to connect with the world, find happiness from being a part of something, and explore new and different ways to engage and converse. I will be thrilled when social isolation is no longer needed in our town but even as we resume our new normal and return to our busy, full lives, I feel certain that I will continue to run to cultivate a natural space to listen, see, and strengthen my connections with the beauty and surroundings of our great community. This crisis, as weird as it sounds, created a moment for me to reconnect with our physical world and for that, I am grateful.
Pressing Pause to Consider our Purpose
Okay, so maybe in a lot of ways, time has not stopped at all. We are busy, we are tired, and we are each juggling a number of extra responsibilities that we may not have had pre-COVID-19 (PC). It might be hard, in this moment, to conceive of pressing a metaphorical pause button and actually stopping or, at least, slowing down. I will say, however, that as I reflect on PC moments, I recall saying out loud to a friend or colleague or thinking to myself, "if only I could stop time or hit the pause button for a moment I would…or I would be able to…" For me, filling in the blank usually included reimagining something I was working on, trying a different approach or coming up with something new altogether new. Unfortunately, the demands of the day, objectives on a syllabus, the requires assessments, and other measures in place meant that I could not take that moment and so, I continued on, business as usual.
Here is the thing. As an educator and mom, I feel like I am and we are, individually and collectively, kind of in one of those moments. If I do not lift up my head, look around, and pay attention I will miss it. I went for a great run this morning and was listening to a podcast and two professors were speaking about reimagining education and what it is to learn. It got me thinking. Is this a chance to change the current teaching and learning model? To essentially set aside the structures and systems like accountability and high stakes testing that usually dictate how and when kids and schools learn? Could families, students, and teachers actually stop, even for a moment, worrying about getting ahead, falling behind, or scoring well on upcoming state tests?
Please do not misunderstand me, I believe that there is a place for accountability and measures of success outcomes. But, could this be a chance to reimagine what learning means? We have just that kind of opportunity right now. Unfortunately, because of the immediacy of this shift from face-to-face to online teaching and learning, many schools (and families) are trying to replicate school in a classroom instead of thinking about the context and goals for the last few months of the school year. I am/was one of those educators and parents. I found it pretty easy to shift my own students to focus on what was really important, to narrow our focus to critical objectives and assessments for the last months of the semester. Now, granted, I work in an online program already so that was the easy part. The examination of my course just required me to think about what students could really take in during this crisis, what they needed to learn, and how I could best support them socially, emotionally, and academically.
It took me much longer to effectively transition to this new way of learning with my own kids. In past blog posts and podcast episodes I have already shared my worry and insistence on keeping a schedule, and I did, for a while. Then I worried that our kids would or were falling behind or we were missing something crucial to their learning. Then, the stress and anxiety of keeping up with some invisible standard got worse when our school started distance learning and our son needed to access google classrooms, complete worksheets and writing prompts daily, and participate in health activities three times a week. I was a bit overwhelmed and frustrated trying to teach and help our son. And remember, I already teach online. What was bothering me, stressing me so much?? The expectations - the misalignment of expectations.
Today, during that great run I mentioned earlier, I decided, no more - I put on my researcher hat and asked myself about the purpose. What is it that I want my kids to learn while they are home with us? What does learning look like for us in COVID-19, at home, with two working parents?
That is when I realized that I was doing this all wrong. I was trying desperately to recreate my son's elementary school context at home and I just cannot do that, especially when I am NOT trained as a k-5 educator, we have two five-year olds added to the mix, and I am still trying to do my job, and take care of our household.
This week, I am working on my "research" questions. That is to say, what kind of learning do I want my kids to engage in during these last few months? What skills and knowledge could increase? What are their curiosities and how do I leverage those topic areas? How do I create learning that sparks their curiosity AND fits into all of our schedules?
Education is not a one-size-fits-all proposition and now, more than ever, this moment represents an opportunity (yes, I said opportunity) to change our definition of learning and our views on and approaches to educating our kids. Why do we let old systems, structures, and policies dictate how we learn and teach? Let’s ask new questions and try other approaches and see what happens. Why not press the pause button, create a few new ways, take them out for a test run, get some feedback, and try again. Those new systems were invented and designed by us, why not create something new?
Lollipop Lesson
Week four of homeschooling. If you had told me back on March 16th that I would be homeschooling my kids for at least four weeks (now more), I would not have believed you and may have packed up and left the house. As I have shared in a few episodes of Tell Me This, I am very Type A, I like schedules, to do lists, and plans. You can imagine how that has been working for me during this unprecedented pandemic. The night before homeschooling began, I did what I always used to do before my first day of school; I gathered up my "school" supplies, made a list of things to do, and had my schedule all mapped up (think walking through the high school and noting where all of your classes would be held). The next morning, I wrote up the schedule on a whiteboard I had moved to what our oldest son now loving refers to as our "one room schoolhouse" and wrote out the schedule. I had every minute planed out. We would be in school from 9-2:30pm every day doing math, reading, science, art, recess, and numerous other activities. Well by 9:30, my twins were rolling on the floor and my oldest was ready to move on to something else - I sent them to their room for a time out. The time out was really for me.
Each week, I think I have learned as much (probably more) than my kids. By week three, I was getting up early to do my work, get myself ready, and set the schedule. My four-year old daughter also started getting up a littler earlier and she enjoyed helping me set the schedule for the day. We would head into our school "house" and figure out the daily activities. Well, by week three day three, as I was writing up the schedule and arrived at our ten to ten-thirty block, I was out of ideas. So, what did I do? Well, I needed to include something here - I just could not leave it blank so I wrote three question marks. I had no idea how those question marks would change my perspective on the homeschooling process.
After I wrote those question marks, my daughter exclaimed, "mystery!" I immediately responded, "YES, it is a mystery block and you can your brothers can to choose an activity today." While Sara was responding to the familiar questions marks that she is used to seeing on her favorite lollipop - the dum-dum lollipop actually do have a question mark and they are known as "mystery" flavor.
That amazing exchange with my daughter helped me to realize so much about homeschooling and managing these unprecedented times. I do not need to schedule every second of every day for our kids. Kids thrive when given a voice, a choice, and flexibility in their schedules and days. Now, I look forward to scheduling our days as our kids offer up ideas, volunteer to lead activities, remind me of routines they had at school that we could incorporate, provide feedback on things they liked (and did not like) and it just makes the day a little more manageable.
Please understand me, this does NOT mean that every day is blissful - far from it. Today is a good example. The morning started out really well but then, for no reason I could pinpoint, things just fell apart. These mystery blocks do not alleviate the stress and worry of this pandemic, provide relief from a house full of kiddos, or provide any additional skills that make me a better teacher. What these blocks do, though, is remind me to take a breath, take a moment, slow down, and focus on what is important AND let the kids help! I need to trust my kids with some of their learning. It is good for me and so good for them to take ownership of their learning plan.
So, as everyone continues to manage homeschooling, work schedules, meeting agendas, and lots of other roles and responsibilities, think about adding a mystery block. It might just be what you and your friends, colleagues, kids, and you need to manage another day with COVID-19.
Permission Slip
Normally, when we think about permission slips, my sense is that we either remember that we forgot to sign a slip for our kids to participate in an upcoming trip or activity at school OR we recall a time when we had to ask one of our own family members to sign a slip so WE could go on some cool field trip or outing. In the era of COVID-19, the permission slip to which I refer is not an actual permission slip to be signed and submitted. I am talking about giving yourself permission to feel whatever the heck you feel, to express and act on a need to check out (even for a moment), and to just take a break to exhale. These times are unprecedented and we all deserve some grace and empathy when things get hard.
I have heard too many of my friends, colleagues, students, and family members beat themselves up or apologize to others about how they didn't do well during the day, could not manage all of the old and new responsibilities, and complain even when they actually have it okay relative to others' situations.
Look - these are unprecedented times and we are all taking on way more than we are used to managing. Our new responsibilities are taking a physical and emotional toll AND we are trying to do it while in isolation from our usual social networks. We have to feel all of these feelings in order to work through these days. Now is not the time to push down the frustration, brush aside your feelings, or be the one who never takes a break. We must take care of ourselves so that we can better care for others and sustain ourselves throughout this time in a healthy and safe way. We need to literally or figuratively sign a permission slip that says "I have permission (and my support) to show vulnerability, to express what I am feeling about this whole situation when I need to do so, AND take a time out when I just need a moment to breathe." This is not easy for many of us (me included!) but it is important work. Remind yourself every day that you have permission and remind your friends and colleagues, and students to also give themselves permission, give each other some grace. I was listening to Brene Brown's new podcast and she was speaking to Glennon Doyle, the author of Untamed, and Doyle said that liberation is NOT one way - if we free ourselves from this need to "keep it together" all of the time, you are also giving someone else permission to do the same. I am not sure I can think of an action that emotes more kindness and giving than that. SUCH a great point!!
Sign the permission slip and review it every day.
Stay safe, stay healthy, and be kind to yourself and others in these unprecedented times.
If you have a moment (yes, I know, I know), please send me an email with one way you are giving yourself permission. How are you engaging in self-care and managing this situation in a healthy and safe way? I would love to hear from all of you. Thanks.
Not Relevant, Really?!
Yesterday, Steven Mnuchin, the Secretary of the Treasury said, , “To be honest, I think these numbers right now aren’t relevant whether they’re bigger or shorter in the short term.” in reference to the 3.3 million unemployment claims for the week. The same day, the US reached an historic high number of unemployment claims, 4.7 times higher than the level reached in 1982. Now you may think that this blog post is going to be some political rant or even an economic analysis of the unemployment numbers, but it is not. I actually offer this quote here because I find myself frustrated by the word choices of our leaders. Look, I cognitively understand the explanation provided - we are experiencing a pandemic, an event like nothing we have ever witnessed, and so, according to Mnuchin these are short-term numbers that we should have expected given our circumstances. He went on to say that recently passed federal legislation aims to protect these very people. So, there is an intellectual sort of explanation provided and whether you believe it or not, this quote raises an important question in what it does not say. Where is the empathy?
Meyers, Rowell, Wells, and Smith (2019) refer to social empathy as an ability to understand people and perceive their lived experiences. Even if, and this is a very weak if, the presentation of the data is seemingly based on some rational justification, it pains me to imagine how the individuals in those numbers must feel. The over three million people out of a job, applying for unemployment benefits are relevant. Their thoughts, feelings, loved ones, and experiences matter! Where is the empathy? Aside from being incredibly frustrated by this statement, it also made me think about what this might mean for our perception of community, connection, and belonging. How are we engaging with and talking to our friends, family, colleagues, students, and neighbors about everything that is happening right now? Are we leaning in with empathy?
Meyers et al. (2019) also talk about the concept of teacher empathy and I think now, more than ever, is the time to learn from our educators’ about how to engage with others. Teacher empathy is defined as the ability to understand students’ personal and social circumstances and to express caring and concern for each individual. This empathy integrates cognitive, affective, and behavior elements that include taking student perspectives, feeling similar emotions, and showing compassion. Good advice for us all. Let’s circle back to Mr. Mnuchin's pronouncement about the unemployment claims. What would have happened if he had paused and considered those 3.3 million people filing for unemployment.? What if he had tried to take their perspectives, to feel what I can only imagine is their struggle, worry, frustration, and stress, and then, and only then, responded with compassion. Imagine a replay that sounded more like, "To be honest, I think these numbers right now, whether bigger or shorter in the short term, matter. Let me remind you that these historical claims are people living and working in our county. Families and individuals who need our support and who will, hopefully, begin to feel supported as we pass this two trillion dollar stimulus package…" I could go on, but I hope that you see my point. We are a diverse country with myriad wants and needs but we should also be a community that can come together during this national crisis. Most of us cannot contribute by discovering a vaccine or by treating this terrible virus, but all of us can show empathy and try to listen to others' perspectives, understand their feelings about these events, and, most important, show compassion for what they are experiencing. As we continue to move through this unprecedented moment, please remember to step with empathy.
Social Distance does not have to be Social Isolation
A few days ago, I posted an episode of my podcast, Tell Me This about social distancing related to the outbreak of the coronavirus. I assume by now that many, if not all of us, have read or heard many of the recommendations and strategies offered to slow the spread of this virus. Social distancing has become common place and experts are urging us to follow this important rule. According to Merriam-Webster.com social distancing is "the practice of maintaining a greater than usual physical distance from other people or avoiding direct contact…" The CDC and other public health experts have suggested we keep 6 feet away from each other, avoid eating-in anywhere (in fact many restaurants are closed), work remotely, and convene in groups smaller than 10 in number. Additionally, the social distance recommendations include no visits with grandparents, play dates with other kids, or get-togethers with friends. Social distancing is imperative to stop the spread of this terrible virus AND to flatten this curve and at the same time, however, we need to remember that social distancing is about physical distance and avoiding contact (remember Merriam-Webster). It does NOT mean that we need to lessen or avoid socializing with our families, friends, colleagues, neighbors, students, and others. In fact, the good news (if we dare call it this), is that we do live in the 21 century where we have access to all sorts of social media, phones, computers, and apps that can reduce those feelings of isolation created by the physical distance we must maintain.
As we continue to manage this crisis, it is more important than ever that we check in on each other. Call a neighbor, text a friend, send an old fashion letter or note to a loved one. Even when you cannot have close physical contact with someone, you can still create social cohesion, community, and a sense of belonging while complying with the CDC's call for six feet of physical separation. Take good care of yourself and others during this time and while you should maintain your social distance from one another, it is important to cultivate community and a sense of belonging. I urge you to check-in with some one or a group of friends, students, family members, or neighbors everyday.
Tell Me This
My 96 year old grandmother had a lot of things figured out. I have spent so much time reading research, collecting data, and trying to figure out how to cultivate belonging when I needed to look no further than my grandmother’s way of being in this world and with people. “Tell Me This” really was a natural, and looking back, easy entry into cultivating a sense of belonging. I remember being around my grandmother whether alone or with a group, and someone would be sharing something, a story, a scene from their day, or a recent memory and she would often say “Tell me this, Carey” or to whomever was chatting. This was her way of signaling that she was listening, interested, and wanted to learn more.
Often when we tell a story, share a moment, or just engage in conversation, some individuals in our circle will jump in with what I like to annoyingly refer to as a “one upper.” This is the classic example of someone waiting their turn to jump in and share their own experiences and often, in their opinion, an even better story. Then you have the “waiter” who, clear to all in the conversation, is not really listening but just waiting for their turn to say something, the “my turn, my turn,” kind of sharing. These individuals think they are engaging in conversation and connecting with others around them but this not listening, not being present, and, frankly, just failing to see the person sharing and possibly being vulnerable really leads to surface and inauthentic connections - not a strong sense of belonging.
My grandmother’s answer to this? Well, any time I would share something with her - and that was a lot because I was just with her a lot - I could describe something or share a moment and often her first response after a chuckle or expression of excitement, would be “tell me this.” Those three little words were her way of showing me that she was there with me, interested, engaged, hearing me, and wanting to learn more. Those three little words were her way of asking me to unpack the story, to tell her more so that she could really understand the moment that I was describing. Those three little words are such an easy and powerful way to cultivate belonging.
Think about a classroom of students, your own kids or the neighborhood kids, a meeting at work, a gathering in your community or your church, or just about anywhere. What would “tell me this” do to a conversation or moment with a student, a friend, a co-worker, or complete stranger? My eight year old son is on the wiggly side - loves school but often times, we will get a note home from school sharing that he was having trouble focusing, or got out of his chair a lot or was just wiggly. I wonder, what would happen if his teacher paused for a moment and said “tell me this,” why are you moving around so much, what could we do to get you to settle down for this lesson? I know, I understand that paying attention, being respectful, and engaging with the class are all important lessons to learn but I think we also need to realize that our students and adults, react in unexpected and different ways for reasons we do not understand OR are not wholly observable. This risks labeling actions or responses as bad behavior or “inappropriate” when they may just be for this individual, innocent and, in this circumstance - a natural and appropriate reaction to something.
I would ask that this week, in your comings and goings, talking with your students, kids, neighbors, colleagues, and others that you try, even once, to say “tell me this.” See what kind of reaction you get from the other person and see how you feel and respond during the exchange. A little effort to cultivate belonging can go a long way. Keep in mind that we are all a work in progress, communicating and being with each other requires listening and learning - try something new and maybe an unexpected and wonderful moment will result.
Taking your First Steps
As I mentioned in a previous blog, I am a work in progress and, sometimes, when I am working on a new project or paper or participating in a new experience feelings of fear and doubt, or shame accompany this new work. Brene Brown suggests that shame is an intense feeling where we perceive that we are flawed and unworthy of belonging. And, we all know because we have been there, these feelings of doubt can prevent us from moving forward, completing the project, or even participating in the first place. Dr. Brown also talks about strategies to address these shame-filled moments. She says that we need to attend to this shame - name it and try to understand how it makes us feel and why we feel it. Then, and this is the part that I love, we need to share our stories and remove the shameful feelings from secrecy and bring them into some light.
As a teacher, it is important to me that my students learn shame resilience or, at least, learn about how feelings of doubt and fear can hinder their progress. I try to help my students process these ideas and notice how they are feeling when engaging in their own research and writing but they are often hesitant to admit to any of this. I understand this. It is not easy to voice the uncertainty, lower self-confidence, and shame. It is particularly complicated in situations where you feel that you are performing or being evaluated. It is critical to demonstrate that you are knowledgeable, prepared, and clear on the goals. So, with my students, I find that sharing my own stories helps to defuse some of their worries, fear, and anxiety. I am happy to admit (in most settings) that I am a work in progress and I offer up a few stories of my own journey so they can see what I mean.
As an example, last summer, I was working on a grant application with a colleague and I must say that it took me the better part of three days to sit down and write a draft of my part of the application. I even resorted to writing on an actual sheet of paper as I was too frozen with self-doubt to type anything on the computer. How is it possible that someone trained as a researcher, who teaches and advises doctoral students, and edits papers and dissertations can feel frozen when trying to write? I suspect it is because I am a work-in progress in this space but I was conflicted about what I could do and what I should be able to do. Herein lies part of the problem and the root of some of the shame. What is the story that we continue to be a work-in-progress? I think about accomplishments, skills and knowledge in other areas and assume that I can do this work AND that my colleagues expect me to be versant in this new, grant writing work. The reality is, however, that in this grant application space, I am a fish out of water. This is new to me and I am still trying to feel my way through.
I finally, with much hesitation, shared with my colleague how I was struggling to get anything on paper. This sharing of the struggle and shining a light on seemed to help move me forward. Remember, shame thrives in secrecy so bringing light to it and giving it a name helps to diminish it’s effect on us. Did I write the perfect draft? Of course not, but the goal was to get something on paper so that my colleague (or your team) can react to and edit this version towards the next draft. We are all works-in-progress and to move forward with some progress we need to take the first step, admit our consternation, share the uncertainty and then write the first word, craft the first draft, or take whatever the proverbial first step might be for you to make some progress. When in doubt - share this doubt with someone.
You just might be surprised at the result.
Filling a Bucket
Are you a bucket filler or dipper? Now, if you know me or have started listening to my podcast or reading this blog, you should immediately push back on this question. Why? Because, you know as well as I do that I do not accept the premise of the question. In other words, I LOVE a good paradox and am a firm believer that we can be both a filler and a dipper. The better question, and the one I asked myself is, what in the world IS a bucket filler or dipper??
My son came home from school a few weeks ago and casually mentioned that one of the educators at his school seemed to be a bucket dipper. First, I am not going to share the name of the educator because it really does not matter to the story and two, it is likely that this person may have been having a tough or off day and these actions are a reflection of specific circumstances rather than this educator’s core. Anyway, when our son said, "bucket dipper" I honestly thought it was a term that he made up so I asked a little more. He then shared that the term was in a book that he read. Well, if you know anything about second grade reading interests you can imagine that I was not all that surprised that there might be some weird term like bucket dipper in one of his many books that he loves. We went on with our afternoon and I did not think too much of it until I had a few minutes to chat with my wife and we Googled the term. - What did we do before Google?!
Well, here is the crazy thing - this is a REAL term with REAL meaning and research! Who knew?! Bucket dipper and bucket filler come out of research by several psychologist/researcher types (e.g. Valusek and Lundgren in the 70s) and then Carol McCloud wrote a book on this topic and this is the story our son read at the end of the school day.
A bucket is a metaphor that refers to this invisible container, a bucket that holds individual mental or emotional selves. A bucket filler is someone or some action that results in "filling" of another person's bucket - it might include actions or words that show or demonstrate that one person cares about another person. A bucket dipper (think about a punch bowl and dipper) is someone who, through their words or actions removes or starts to empty someone else's bucket. These are actions that might include hurtful words, bullying, making fun of someone, and the list goes on and on.
So, the question for me is not are you a filler or a dipper, because we all have our moments in both roles, right? My question is are you paying attention to when you are engaging in one or the other? And what are we doing to make sure that MORE of our actions, thoughts, and words, represent actions of a bucket filler rather than a bucket dipper?
The Journey is the Goal
What is it to be a work in progress? Well, for a long time and even often times now, I approach a task or goal thinking that the end result has to be extraordinary. I compare myself to people who have been at it for a long time or are experts in the field. Rather than set out to carve out my own path and own vision of what this thing could be, I look to previous successes. Now, I am not saying it is not a good idea to have role models or goals towards which we push ourselves. I am merely suggesting that we all have to start somewhere and often that beginning place does not look anything like the final product and it is not pretty in the earlier stages of development.
Too often we focus on the end result, great athletes, beautiful bodies, prolific writers, perfect pitch, experienced colleagues, parents, you name it. We do not want to see “how the sausage is made” and when we struggle to achieve our goal we are riddled with self-doubt, negative self-talk, and feelings of isolation suggesting that we are the only ones experiencing these failures AND shaming ourselves in the process.
Examining our human condition and the tasks we undertake as works-in-progress demands that we acknowledge that we are not perfect, change and progress are a part of the process, and that it is not shameful but a privilege and opportunity to learn and grow. It is my hope that by sharing my own works-in-progress others might do the same and we will start to recognize and really believe that this is just part of the human condition. Even the most gifted humans start as works-in-progress and must practice, correct, and grow to leverage those gifts. What is your gift and how are you cultivating its growth and change through your work-in-progress practice?
I am a work in progress.
I am a methodologist by training and so I try to notice and point out (sometimes to my friends’ and families’ annoyance) the data that is all around us, so it is entirely appropriate that this blog would include a nod to some form of data. Enjoy!
If you pay attention, works-in-progress are happening everywhere and often right under our noses. For example, this morning I received an email from a graduate student who had questions about data for her dissertation research. I realized, quickly, that it would be easier just to jump on a video conference call chat. We did, and I further discovered that there were some “hiccups” when the data was originally imported and these hiccups had contributed to a few current issues. The issues could be resolved, but the current form of the data required a bit of time and patience to resolve. I recommended that we go back to the raw data (i.e. data originally collected in the survey), make some changes and re-import the data into the data analysis software. I helped her do this (which took about 30 minutes) and she is now off to the races analyzing her revised, hiccup-free data set.
Why do I share this story? To remind everyone working on any project that involves cleaning, editing, feedback, and refining of data, papers, photography, and music. That every project and everyone individual working on these projects had to start somewhere and often in a very messy state. Also, even when the mess is cleaned and free of hiccups (or so we think), these so-called finished products probably have room to grow and change. So, let’s all try to remember that it is okay that the work is messy AND it is even more okay to ask for some help. Productive struggle is valuable to our learning but the learning sciences also tell us that too much stress and anxiety increase our cognitive load for managing this struggle and may deter from the learning. If you find yourself unproductively spinning your wheels or, as in this story, staring at data, reach out - be vulnerable and ask for what you need. We are all a work in progress and we should help each other navigate these processes. If you do not believe me - look at the data!
Inaugural Blog Post – Finally!
Thanks for taking the time to read this blog. As I mentioned in the first episode of our new podcast, I have been interesting in starting a podcast and blog for quite some time but I just never got around to it. I made lots of excuses but I suspect that my hesitation has a lot to do with my own worry about belonging and vulnerability - but that is another blog for another time! I hope to use this space to share some of my own stories about building community, cultivating a sense of belonging and inclusivity informed by my living, learning, teaching, parenting, and just being in the world. I hope that my willingness to share and my guests’ courage and vulnerability to unpack their own stories will give others just that dose of courage they have been needing to share their own stories.
I hope that you will enjoy this journey and I am grateful for the opportunity to share with you.